2010

I don't quite remember much, but heres what's left...
January: Stuck on Sarah. How often I thought about you was odd i hadn't thought that much about a girl ever in my life so far. But your constant whipping of feelings and thoughts on us grew so tiring and I longed for an escape. I found it.
February: I'm sure a lot of shit happened at the beginning of this month... Maybe when Jordan showed up to Costa for the first time? But it was so overshadowed by what happened in the very end. I said to you, "You know who I really fucking would? Charlie Sevy. How stupid and impossible is that?" and all you said was, "So DO it." You meant it with a sassy You'll-never-get-better-than-this I think, but you were wrong. And just like that the "You"s in my writings had switched. Although he bothers the fuck out of me and I hate his guts mostly, I owe a lot to Jack, who told me how to figure things out between the two of us. We played questions on Facebook chat, a game sarah gallman taught me. Hehe. I asked you one night, "If you could turn the sky any color what color would you turn it?" and I felt a click. I asked you to the Coffee Beanery before the aids benefit. It fucking flew by. I knew several things about you from our first date. 1. You were fucking innocent to the bone, never having kissed a boy, never really having even liked one, and this being your first date. I was honored to give that to you, knowing you'd never forget... my first date was with Buster Baer. You wore a jean jacket. Your brown hair lie softly on your shoulders and your beautiful brown eyes locked with mine, and at moments, I forgot it was the first in depth conversation we'd ever had. You were the most beautiful girl I'd ever been on a date with, and I knew it even then. I wanted even at that moment to give you all the things you wanted, to see your face light up the way it did when I made a silly joke about the religious argument going on next to the two of us. It was beautiful when you smiled. SImply the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I could see the future I held of living for, and being haunted by, and crying over, and dreaming of that smile. The best part is it's still mine. It all happened so far after Valentines day but it was so Valentiny you know?
March: 5 days in to one of the greatest months of my life, two special events occurred. The first being the very first time I stepped onto the drama room floor, saw the green turf whoosh underneath me and felt your eyes, all of your eyes, beating down onto me. I trembled and my bladder tightened up. Nothing felt less safe than unscripted comedy in front of an extremely loud crew of seemingly sailor-type, belching men ready and yearning for a good hardy laugh. I'm not quite sure if I provided you with that. But it felt so good. I had gone up there for me, not you. And I continue to this day to improvise for me and my team mates, that's the fun of it. I always had friends onstage, even I was completely alone telling not funny knock-knock jokes, there was always someone to help me. Almost immediately after, I darted my eyes dodging all the warm smiles and hugs from people I'd barely ever met to find you. You said, "Good job." and it felt better than the loudest laugh I got. We went to Valley park afterward. Everyone there knew the drill and the second I said we were gonna go for a walk the rest got tighter and whispers rippled threw the crew. We talked like awkward newbies do and on the walk back I surprised you, I think, with a nice opened mouth kiss. You were a naturally good kisser. And you were my naturally good kisser. Then Fullerton, my god the times we had there were amazing. I spent so much time with you, perhaps thats not what you'd had in mind, but whatever I'm writing this, so I'll say it was fun and good and spending that much time together was a great-thing. I layed down next to you once and put my arm around you. Boy was THAT a stretch! I remember thinking about how scary it was for me. I felt so stupid being so scared to do anything with a girl after what had happened to me in 7th grade and since then. The buttfuck-nowhere sun hit your, just, browness, perfectly. I love brunette and brown eyes. You're honestly the best example of it I've ever seen. We walked down to the pier afterward and i held you against the railings. The outlines are blury but the way the colors meshed is still clear in my mind. Your hair never ceased to find a way into my mouth and everytime it was nice to hear you say, "Oh sorry." in your soft voice. I've never told you that. But i could listen to you talk forever. You could read me a menu from a bad diner and I'd never lose focus. We walked back up and i stopped you as I swung around a pole. "Do you wanna be my girl?". I think that explains itself. And then you went to spain. That was funny. I don't know if you understood my Death Of Lorca thing. It was a book that was banned in SPain. Cause I wanted you to come home hahaha.
April: The show. Fuck the Wiz. Fuck the drama department. FUck it all.
After a while I started feeling like I liked you more than you liked me. In all honesty, I feel like this is still true. But I also feel liek this will always be true which is fine for me. Maybe It's because I've felt the rest of the world and Ive seen how far from perfect everything else is and how much closer for me you are than the rest. But I remember feeling alone a little. Like I was the only one that cared anything for the two of us. And then. almost at the height of those feelings, you asked for space. Proof that you cared less. I was pretty devastated but I just figured I'd back off and htings would be ok.But they weren't. I started to feel increasingly more and more alone. BY the end of the month we were dwindling. On another note, I was beggining to become better friends with you, Jordan. The start of a new brother.
May: We Broke up either early may or very late april. We tried it again and for a week we didn't talk. YOu called and well, you just didn't feel the same. I had to ask you what, because I was so shocked. You cried on the phone and that confused me. I htought that week was the worst week of my life. Things only got worse. The worst day of my entire life happened in this month. THespian innitiations. Harry Contelmo. It was jsut bad.
June: I drank a lot. Two weeks without stopping. Everynight. It was ironic that another Charlie had provided me with it. I beat my room to shit. I had swollen fists for weeks.I still have a scar from breakign a cinderblock in my garage. I told you not to talk to me. I ignored you as if we'd never met and as if you had no head turning beauty. I was pathetic. I hooked up with somebody. somewhere along the line. I don't even remember. The month was a blur. I did terrible on my finals. But at the end of the month. I sat in a rite-aid, on the first day of summer, kissing a piece of paper. And back with whom I belonged. I promised to stop.
July: Possibly the best month of the year award. We spent so much goddamn time together and everything was so free. Then Addie asked me If I loved you. I couldn't answer. I didn't know. I spent a long time thinking about that. A long goddamn time. And then Jordan slept over and I turned into a maniac. HAHAHA.
August: We started doing that. that thing again. Where you cared less about us and I got all worried. You made me feel like a women. I talked to you too harshly and it ruined all of it. I didn't know what to do though. I went to chicago and you turned into a zombie. Having a wonderful time without me around. We broke up the next time we saw eachother. And then I got drunk and almost kissed you and we admitted how much we longed for eachother. Stuck on eachother, we were. WHy did i write that like Yoda? anyways, After countless hookups I had come to the conclusion. I was in love with you and I told you. I snuck over to addies house and we continues with the best night of my entire life. I love you. I loved you but you didnt know what to do with it. You didn't love me. YOu wanted to be with other people and I told you to go. All I wanted was for you to be happy. All i WANT is for you to be happy. That was the first time Jackson Moore was ever brought up. Lil' Faggot. Then the month turned into the biggest limbo I could imagine. Us kissing when youd let us. And me waiting for you to get out of this unhappiness. You were so unhappy having me love you and I wished for nothing more than to not love you so you could be happy. I begged you to get with other men so you could find what you were looking for and for some reason you were too shy. I started making a boat everyday. You had me on a leash. It was terrible watching movies. "Now listen here toots," the screen would whisper, "I love you." The gangster would grab the woman and kiss her till she was purple, "Oh, henry, I love you too." and just like that she'd balanced the whole movie. Real life was nothing like this. I remember telling you how fun it was to be in love. And by the end of this month I had decided this was not true.
September: I started to hate loving you. It was killing me imagining you with other men. I prayed for a savior of some sort. I looked for it in other women like I had with Sarah. It wasn't fair to anyone. I think this is when Sabrina and I first happened. She was beautiful but she was dumb. Dumb girls are the least attractive kind. Everyday I saw her it became clearer and clearer to those around me that she was my attempt at getting over you. Things ended with her quickly.
October: On october first we wee back together. AGAIN. It seems everytime we give up on trying with the two of us we give up on trying without the two of us. Your Youth a desire for happiness reminds me cruelly of my age and the impossibility of happiness for me. What a romantic story. Even that seems so long ago in a distant relationship with two distant, other people. During all that I was worried still however. and at the first sight of trouble I darted. I told you not to talk to me. Like I had before. It didnt work but I told the world it did and I told eveyrone who disagreed to fuck off.I was angry one hundred percent of the time. I got back with Sabrina. She was so dumb. But i needed to escape from you. I had no idea the trouble I was causing you. Halloween sucked.
November: On a random monday night I gave in and listened to Modest Mouse, the music that made me love you. It ruined me. I cried through the night. The next day I couldnt stand not to talk to you. I told you we could be friendsif you wanted. You said you had something to say. After dance we talked. "I just htink it should be known, and I'm not expecting anything, but I'm in love with you." My eyes bulged. HOw I'd dreamed of this moment. "I can't decide whether to kiss you or not." I did. We were in love. The safest I'd ever felt with you. The safest I'd ever felt with anybody. Jesus, how I love you. Talk of the big it was started up and I got excited. We had almost rushed into it. Now I'm glad we're jsut going to do it when we feel the time is right and we're both ready. It feels weird saying I need to be ready for it considering for the longest time i said i didnt give a fuck. But this is going to be special. If not for me then for you. YOu deserve it. Then started a whole new problem, Steph. It was beginnign to be clear you needed help earlier than even this year but this was when it became really prominent. I asked you to get help. You didn't.
December: One of the smallest things effected me largely. You laughed until you cried at the thought of me in A.P.U.S. It bothered me so much I left view of your soft hazel eyes. Thats a big thing for me to do. I'm smarter than you give me credit for. I'm an insane worker. And I can fucking conquer any subject I want. So I spit at those who think I don't have the fucking power to dominate that class. But I'm going to fucking bring that shit down on your head when I trash the fuck out of that class and that stupid fucking test. I get redfaced thinking about the challenges i will be given. and I will push and push and push until there is nothing left in my head. You'll see. You'll all see. we got in a little scurmage but it was worked out. It won't turn out like the rest. Cause I will never give up. Just please don't you give up either. As for steph. I dn't know what the fuck to do with her. If i was writing about january I'd answer that. Because one thing is for sure. SOmething needs to be done FAST. Your in trouble and I cant deal any longer missy. ANyways, Thats this year. THis took me an hour. From 3:28 to 4:38. I love you Charlie. And you think I woulda guessed in august I could say you loved me too? Cause I can. End.