2010

I don't quite remember much, but heres what's left...
January: Stuck on Sarah. How often I thought about you was odd i hadn't thought that much about a girl ever in my life so far. But your constant whipping of feelings and thoughts on us grew so tiring and I longed for an escape. I found it.
February: I'm sure a lot of shit happened at the beginning of this month... Maybe when Jordan showed up to Costa for the first time? But it was so overshadowed by what happened in the very end. I said to you, "You know who I really fucking would? Charlie Sevy. How stupid and impossible is that?" and all you said was, "So DO it." You meant it with a sassy You'll-never-get-better-than-this I think, but you were wrong. And just like that the "You"s in my writings had switched. Although he bothers the fuck out of me and I hate his guts mostly, I owe a lot to Jack, who told me how to figure things out between the two of us. We played questions on Facebook chat, a game sarah gallman taught me. Hehe. I asked you one night, "If you could turn the sky any color what color would you turn it?" and I felt a click. I asked you to the Coffee Beanery before the aids benefit. It fucking flew by. I knew several things about you from our first date. 1. You were fucking innocent to the bone, never having kissed a boy, never really having even liked one, and this being your first date. I was honored to give that to you, knowing you'd never forget... my first date was with Buster Baer. You wore a jean jacket. Your brown hair lie softly on your shoulders and your beautiful brown eyes locked with mine, and at moments, I forgot it was the first in depth conversation we'd ever had. You were the most beautiful girl I'd ever been on a date with, and I knew it even then. I wanted even at that moment to give you all the things you wanted, to see your face light up the way it did when I made a silly joke about the religious argument going on next to the two of us. It was beautiful when you smiled. SImply the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I could see the future I held of living for, and being haunted by, and crying over, and dreaming of that smile. The best part is it's still mine. It all happened so far after Valentines day but it was so Valentiny you know?
March: 5 days in to one of the greatest months of my life, two special events occurred. The first being the very first time I stepped onto the drama room floor, saw the green turf whoosh underneath me and felt your eyes, all of your eyes, beating down onto me. I trembled and my bladder tightened up. Nothing felt less safe than unscripted comedy in front of an extremely loud crew of seemingly sailor-type, belching men ready and yearning for a good hardy laugh. I'm not quite sure if I provided you with that. But it felt so good. I had gone up there for me, not you. And I continue to this day to improvise for me and my team mates, that's the fun of it. I always had friends onstage, even I was completely alone telling not funny knock-knock jokes, there was always someone to help me. Almost immediately after, I darted my eyes dodging all the warm smiles and hugs from people I'd barely ever met to find you. You said, "Good job." and it felt better than the loudest laugh I got. We went to Valley park afterward. Everyone there knew the drill and the second I said we were gonna go for a walk the rest got tighter and whispers rippled threw the crew. We talked like awkward newbies do and on the walk back I surprised you, I think, with a nice opened mouth kiss. You were a naturally good kisser. And you were my naturally good kisser. Then Fullerton, my god the times we had there were amazing. I spent so much time with you, perhaps thats not what you'd had in mind, but whatever I'm writing this, so I'll say it was fun and good and spending that much time together was a great-thing. I layed down next to you once and put my arm around you. Boy was THAT a stretch! I remember thinking about how scary it was for me. I felt so stupid being so scared to do anything with a girl after what had happened to me in 7th grade and since then. The buttfuck-nowhere sun hit your, just, browness, perfectly. I love brunette and brown eyes. You're honestly the best example of it I've ever seen. We walked down to the pier afterward and i held you against the railings. The outlines are blury but the way the colors meshed is still clear in my mind. Your hair never ceased to find a way into my mouth and everytime it was nice to hear you say, "Oh sorry." in your soft voice. I've never told you that. But i could listen to you talk forever. You could read me a menu from a bad diner and I'd never lose focus. We walked back up and i stopped you as I swung around a pole. "Do you wanna be my girl?". I think that explains itself. And then you went to spain. That was funny. I don't know if you understood my Death Of Lorca thing. It was a book that was banned in SPain. Cause I wanted you to come home hahaha.
April: The show. Fuck the Wiz. Fuck the drama department. FUck it all.
After a while I started feeling like I liked you more than you liked me. In all honesty, I feel like this is still true. But I also feel liek this will always be true which is fine for me. Maybe It's because I've felt the rest of the world and Ive seen how far from perfect everything else is and how much closer for me you are than the rest. But I remember feeling alone a little. Like I was the only one that cared anything for the two of us. And then. almost at the height of those feelings, you asked for space. Proof that you cared less. I was pretty devastated but I just figured I'd back off and htings would be ok.But they weren't. I started to feel increasingly more and more alone. BY the end of the month we were dwindling. On another note, I was beggining to become better friends with you, Jordan. The start of a new brother.
May: We Broke up either early may or very late april. We tried it again and for a week we didn't talk. YOu called and well, you just didn't feel the same. I had to ask you what, because I was so shocked. You cried on the phone and that confused me. I htought that week was the worst week of my life. Things only got worse. The worst day of my entire life happened in this month. THespian innitiations. Harry Contelmo. It was jsut bad.
June: I drank a lot. Two weeks without stopping. Everynight. It was ironic that another Charlie had provided me with it. I beat my room to shit. I had swollen fists for weeks.I still have a scar from breakign a cinderblock in my garage. I told you not to talk to me. I ignored you as if we'd never met and as if you had no head turning beauty. I was pathetic. I hooked up with somebody. somewhere along the line. I don't even remember. The month was a blur. I did terrible on my finals. But at the end of the month. I sat in a rite-aid, on the first day of summer, kissing a piece of paper. And back with whom I belonged. I promised to stop.
July: Possibly the best month of the year award. We spent so much goddamn time together and everything was so free. Then Addie asked me If I loved you. I couldn't answer. I didn't know. I spent a long time thinking about that. A long goddamn time. And then Jordan slept over and I turned into a maniac. HAHAHA.
August: We started doing that. that thing again. Where you cared less about us and I got all worried. You made me feel like a women. I talked to you too harshly and it ruined all of it. I didn't know what to do though. I went to chicago and you turned into a zombie. Having a wonderful time without me around. We broke up the next time we saw eachother. And then I got drunk and almost kissed you and we admitted how much we longed for eachother. Stuck on eachother, we were. WHy did i write that like Yoda? anyways, After countless hookups I had come to the conclusion. I was in love with you and I told you. I snuck over to addies house and we continues with the best night of my entire life. I love you. I loved you but you didnt know what to do with it. You didn't love me. YOu wanted to be with other people and I told you to go. All I wanted was for you to be happy. All i WANT is for you to be happy. That was the first time Jackson Moore was ever brought up. Lil' Faggot. Then the month turned into the biggest limbo I could imagine. Us kissing when youd let us. And me waiting for you to get out of this unhappiness. You were so unhappy having me love you and I wished for nothing more than to not love you so you could be happy. I begged you to get with other men so you could find what you were looking for and for some reason you were too shy. I started making a boat everyday. You had me on a leash. It was terrible watching movies. "Now listen here toots," the screen would whisper, "I love you." The gangster would grab the woman and kiss her till she was purple, "Oh, henry, I love you too." and just like that she'd balanced the whole movie. Real life was nothing like this. I remember telling you how fun it was to be in love. And by the end of this month I had decided this was not true.
September: I started to hate loving you. It was killing me imagining you with other men. I prayed for a savior of some sort. I looked for it in other women like I had with Sarah. It wasn't fair to anyone. I think this is when Sabrina and I first happened. She was beautiful but she was dumb. Dumb girls are the least attractive kind. Everyday I saw her it became clearer and clearer to those around me that she was my attempt at getting over you. Things ended with her quickly.
October: On october first we wee back together. AGAIN. It seems everytime we give up on trying with the two of us we give up on trying without the two of us. Your Youth a desire for happiness reminds me cruelly of my age and the impossibility of happiness for me. What a romantic story. Even that seems so long ago in a distant relationship with two distant, other people. During all that I was worried still however. and at the first sight of trouble I darted. I told you not to talk to me. Like I had before. It didnt work but I told the world it did and I told eveyrone who disagreed to fuck off.I was angry one hundred percent of the time. I got back with Sabrina. She was so dumb. But i needed to escape from you. I had no idea the trouble I was causing you. Halloween sucked.
November: On a random monday night I gave in and listened to Modest Mouse, the music that made me love you. It ruined me. I cried through the night. The next day I couldnt stand not to talk to you. I told you we could be friendsif you wanted. You said you had something to say. After dance we talked. "I just htink it should be known, and I'm not expecting anything, but I'm in love with you." My eyes bulged. HOw I'd dreamed of this moment. "I can't decide whether to kiss you or not." I did. We were in love. The safest I'd ever felt with you. The safest I'd ever felt with anybody. Jesus, how I love you. Talk of the big it was started up and I got excited. We had almost rushed into it. Now I'm glad we're jsut going to do it when we feel the time is right and we're both ready. It feels weird saying I need to be ready for it considering for the longest time i said i didnt give a fuck. But this is going to be special. If not for me then for you. YOu deserve it. Then started a whole new problem, Steph. It was beginnign to be clear you needed help earlier than even this year but this was when it became really prominent. I asked you to get help. You didn't.
December: One of the smallest things effected me largely. You laughed until you cried at the thought of me in A.P.U.S. It bothered me so much I left view of your soft hazel eyes. Thats a big thing for me to do. I'm smarter than you give me credit for. I'm an insane worker. And I can fucking conquer any subject I want. So I spit at those who think I don't have the fucking power to dominate that class. But I'm going to fucking bring that shit down on your head when I trash the fuck out of that class and that stupid fucking test. I get redfaced thinking about the challenges i will be given. and I will push and push and push until there is nothing left in my head. You'll see. You'll all see. we got in a little scurmage but it was worked out. It won't turn out like the rest. Cause I will never give up. Just please don't you give up either. As for steph. I dn't know what the fuck to do with her. If i was writing about january I'd answer that. Because one thing is for sure. SOmething needs to be done FAST. Your in trouble and I cant deal any longer missy. ANyways, Thats this year. THis took me an hour. From 3:28 to 4:38. I love you Charlie. And you think I woulda guessed in august I could say you loved me too? Cause I can. End.

Why am I cursed.

I have been waiting SO LONG for you. Please please please.

I just get you. I like to learn about you and I just want to find you when your scraped to shit, bloody, panting, and coughing and I wanna swoop you up and, and, and give you a new double overhead camshaft to get more horsepower out of you and maybe add a super-charger to compress the air as it heads into your cylinders and the pistons pump away. Oh how the pistons just keep on a'pumpin. I fucking love cars.

My Beautiful Friend

My beautiful Friend...
The one who doesn't see her own beauty
The one who can't accept a compliment
The one who never believes a word I say
The one who makes me cry because I love her
The one who can't comprehend the fact that upon meeting, one feels the need to know her
The one who kills me and herself
The one who gives me gum smiles when I make fun of her
The one I love
The one who will figure herself out in college
The one who can't handle professional help right now
The one who just needs to be barely out of reach of the knife until she gets out of this town
The one who doesn't belong in the heat, but in the snow where she can cuddle and keep me warm
The one who WILL fall in love
The skinny, potential model of a best friend I have

I have news for you my love, you CAN compete.
You'll get out of here and you'll find a mirror in Oregon. Or Canada. Or wherever the fuck it is you hurry off too after you graduate and you'll look at yourself and say... DAMN GINA. Because you're beautiful. And you won't believe us until then, and it kills me, but you'll have that moment and you'll call us all up and say You were right. I'm fucking gorgeous. And you'll hurry off to the club looking dazzling and get fucked by some ripped truck driver or some bullshit. And you'll contract some STD's or whatever. But you'll look down at your infested crabs nest and quietly whisper to yourself, "It's coming out like a BABY!!!!" and when you look up at that mirror, you'll see that god damn ugly fucking gum smile and even softer you'll say, "That's the only ugly thing I can do."

But until then. Your done drinking. HAHAHAHAHA hearts bunnies butterflies flowers.

You have zero confidence in me. I can do it. I'll show you. I'll show you all!
"Listen kid, you're not talented enough, you're not good looking enough, and you just don't have what it takes."
"With all do respect, Sir. FUCK YOU. Now if you'll excuse me I've got shitheads to prove wrong."

Thursdays...fucking...rule.

I can't stand to see your face anymore like this. Everyday you smile until I do and when i don't you come help me out. You make me laugh so hard my eyes fall out of my head. I love you so much and you don't at all. I want you to get help. Please GET HELP. You don't even know why you do this anymore. Get help. Yes love with me and her is different and thats one thing. But your happiness is essential to mine too. And I can't stand to see you cry any longer. I love you buddy. We're gonna help you out.

In the dust.

I keep getting this feeling, this reoccuring feeling. Except for you, cause your my brother and you'll be with me forever, I just feel like, and call me egotistical, or stupid, or just fucking wrong, but like I'm gonna leave all of you and all of this in the dust. Like after april or june of 2013, I'll never see any of you ever again. The only thing that I can justify this for is because I WANT that, only because it would mean I made it and no one else did. I'd like that. And I'm going to motherfucking work for it. "That sounds like a fuckin' celebrity" That IS a fucking celebrity. Fuck me. But also. FUCK me. as in jesus, I hate myself sometimes, and also as in, I fucking love myself. I am the most self Indulgent/self loathing person I know. Jesus christ I will be successful.

My fault

On another note... these new words calm me out of parranoia better than anything I've ever heard you say. You've become the best there is at making me feel like... well like you love me. Maybe it's cause you do. Hehe. I smile everytime I think of it. What a faggot.

On another note... I love wolverine man... like i FUCKING LOVE HIM.
"I'm the best there is at what I do... but what I do isn't very nice."
You show me a catchphrase more badass than that and I'll spit in your face and tell you to die. Cause there ain't none. SNIKT.

I don't knwo how to convey something like this in words. In Musical Improv we're taught to only start singing when its too important to just talk. And to start dancing when it's too important to sing. SO what's next, fly? We fly when its too important for even dancing? Well thats what I do with you. Tat's what you make me do in the musical of my life, I fly haha. I love you. And... you love me. We're in LOVE. Nothign could be better. Life is legitimately the happiest its ever been. I find it hard to frown or even keep a straight face. My mouth is a permanent smile... and its because of you. Fuck. I just love you. I do.

I lied. And I'm going to continue to. Forever.

Alright, so I'm a fucking Demon. Now what?

There's a difference between being not over and being under... I've got one of those covered.

This might be awkward but... can I PLEASE get under you?

I'm not gonna talk about any of that cause the fuckers will use it against me.

P.S. MEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEGMEG

Your youth and desire for happiness reminds me cruelly of my age and the impossibility of happiness for me... except not. In fact. All you remind me of is the fact that there in fact IS a possibility of happiness for me. When someone asks me to close my eyes and imagine or recreate the idea of happiness its moments with you I see. So it isn't a question of possibility of happiness... It's just happiness. I never have been passionate about anything the way I am about you. So thanks BITCH. :)

Fuck patterns.

P.s. Tom and Danielle... broke up a total of 24 or 25 times. Just saying hahahaha.

Desire- happiness- remind

Just a Didiot in love

There's always a little bit of Hate in Love...

I told you you'd be able to tell... but your an idiot. Cause I never could.

Jesus fucking christ I wanna hold you
Jesus fucking christ I wanna kiss you
Jesus fucking christ I love you

It's been a long time since I've been home...
And as far as I can tell... I never will be again.
Wow that sucks haha what about all my stuff?

I was wading through the floodwaters... and you were waiting out a drought. Do you I have that kidn of love. Is that what it would take to see this out.... yes.

Sail on... Sail on...

I'm sad... boohoo... FUCK BUSTER

Sail on... Sail on...

I'm sad... boohoo... FUCK BUSTER

"How seamless seemed love and the came trouble!"

Every Fuckin Day.

This is a bad period

not this time but i mean litterally this one

.

Its bad.

I feel like a broken record but...

I'm just waiting now... Waiting for something to happen to me, something to happen to you, or an opportunity for me to help you in anyways... preferably the later. It's all I want to do anymore.... everything else is second. Find me someway. Tell me what I can do. Cause it's all I want...

I've fallen in love with two things this week...
The other one is tap... I LOVE it.

This is so much harder than I thought... please don't make it a waste.... It will be the most painful thing I've ever endured... just please learn something... about me... or about yourself... or about that he'll make you happier... just don't waste this... and make sure I'm the first person you talk to after. That's all I ask.

The moon hit my eye like a big pizza pie.

I just want to be wiser.

Our friendship is depleting... I just have nothing to talk to you about anymore. Its ok, life is going the way it should for you. You're friends with the right people now.

Our friendship is increasing... I just love you. Maybe I'm just being a copy cat but I just want to cuddle you and watch movies and stuff... you make it easy to be a kid and just get cozy, I love you.

You don't get one.

Mama

I love you.
I want to go back to the days when I would get flour on my face and make a power rangers face. And when I would cry not because I had dreamt of it, but because I had sat in a chair thinking about what I would do if you died. I wanna come summersaulting down the stairs and start crying and having you kiss my forehead and asking if it just hurt or if it just scared me and me replying through tears and infantile coughs, "Scared." I don't want to ever look at any girl in the face and I want you to sway all of my opinions like you used to and I want you to sing about my curly hair the way you used to. I wish there was any way I could pay you back for how well you've brought me up. Here I am crying, just thinking about my childhood and what you've given me. I love you, mom.

Wow... we're so good. At everything... this is good and I am excited to be your friend.

Whitesux

I'm sick of putting so much care and effort into you and seeing nothing back.
Everytime I fucking see you you shit on me.
You make evrything seem like it's gonna be fun and easy and then here we are ending up with me dissapointed and you feeling stupid.
Why do I keep investing in you?
I'm sick of your dissapointment.
It always ends up with you either being a bitch (to be at), Hard to bare, or just fucking boring.
Audi, Audi500.

Things should be better than they are.

Nothing is fun anymore. Fuck Chicago.

PFFFFFFFFFFFT... yeah right, you think I'm gonna write in my Blog? HA.

Uncomfurtable.

Im gonna start only putting stories and stuff up here cause you're too smart.

I'm weak.... and when things happen that i can't control I go deep inside somewhere and and leave my body to reconstruct me as best as possible... it never does a good job
forgive me
im so sorry

WAIT SERIOUSLY? FUCK ME. AFTER ALL THAT I HAVE TO ALSO DEAL WITH THIS. THIS IS NOT WHOA TIME. fuck everything.

"Things are gonna get better and if they don't were gonna go out and kill everyone and everything, how does that sound, huh?"

Days without it are like commercials. Pointless and repetative. I wait anxiously on the edge of my seat until the clock strikes a random time when it calls on me. I'm always ready.
I got my first reassurence. I don't know why it took so long to arrive, like a letter lost in the mail. Hearing that filled me. I was honestly taken aback. Its astonoshing... that fucking thign means so much to me... it would be, along with maybe two other things, something i would grab in a fire. Ew why do i care about it so much. Why do care about IT so much. Fuck formspring. I can't answer something like that on there. Maybe I should talk.
And then tonight, tonight was weird. I was so tired and every time I'm off my game it feels like its slipping away. I hate school cause it causes me to be off my game. And I hate being so self aware about how self critical I am. I have such a big ego. But saying that is like proving that I don't really.
I wish I could say that I don't care... ABOUT IT... but I do.

Hahaha you check this so often don't you? Its sweet.

I followed you through the park, in the jungle, in the dark, girl I've ever whoa.

Still thinking. So that's a no right?

Whoa... whoa... wait whoa.
Wait.. like maybe? It may just be absence that raises this question... but like whoa.
To re-answer your question... like maybe I am.
Whoa.

This one goes out to you... black bird

I hate this thing... in case you hadn't noticed by the lack of anything from the last like month or two?
Shit... It's been a long time.
I just wanna say this... You can call it what you want to call it... But I am dependent on alcohol more than anyone can understand... at nights I travel down to my liquor cabinet and feel the hinges of the door... they're always cold... like Dad's ears when I used to grab at those. Nothing can make me feel more natural... Nothing makes me feel more like I'm living... than you.
Caught you by surprise there didn't I!
You've changed me... uprooted my dependencies and you've... I don't know changed them around. They're better now. Now I can truly be on a boat and not be drunk. I can sway and swim and do what I will, without help. Nothing can make me feel more pride than the answers to Erica Mcgee I give, "Yes. She's mine." After sloping for so long I ,literally and metaphorically, have a better posture. Life isn't a burden.
You're so real. You're always right there in front of me. What is it I said some random night? These are times of the good? It didn't make sense but... I meant it. This is thank you. This is thank you for making life, well, life.
Your crazy, Charlie Sevy, and I love it. Don't you change a thing. Not even your speech impediment.
Call me when you see this... I just wanna know if you actually will read it.

P.S. sorry to anyone I made throw up... but like only a little

I'm in love... and i can't tell which way yet
what i can tell... is that no matter what goes down... this will be a significant person...
I;m never wrong about that

Hello. My name is Buster and ___ __ _________.
I need ____.
That is why I've come to __________ _________.
Become an __________. √
Be in a ___________ that makes me feel ______ and _____. nope.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
You can't spell anger like this
You can't read the hatred I have for the world
I want out out out
I want stop stop stop
Every inanimate object becomes a target for my rushing fists
Every Living plant becomes an execution at the hands of my hands
I ruin... I destroy
An A harmonica becomes a Z Harmonica as i bend it in half
I am done with dot dot dot.
I am done leaving things unfinished
I am done leaving things in between
I am done not knowing what will happen next
I am done beign unsure of the future
All that is left is your used body ontop of mine.
No feeling, No heart, only body.
I HATE you.
And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You. And You.
I'll start my own fucking corner from now on.
No more will I fucking go after what i cannot have. I will take an easy route and go with what I have. Do you not see what i have? Its a hell of a lot! JUST WATCH. YOU'LL BE DISSAPOINTED IN ME.
In silence/words away

Threadlike Thursday

Today... we hung on by a string
Today... was hard
Today... I made it
Today... we changed

we talked all day/night
I'm ok I promise...
I think i can handle it...
and seeing you that sad isn't worth that anyways
I'm really excited for this... I wanna be your best friend eeeveeer... I mean I know there are others above me hahaha

Wicked Wednesday

HA! And I thought yesterday was bad! Everyday gets worse... life is taking a fatty plunge... what can I do though, right?
Today was weird... we talked a lot. I can't do that yet.
And now the section about Harry Contelmo...
All the ANGUISH
All the Hate
Let out in one punch... I drove my fist as deep into you as my will let me.
Your foot meant nothing... Your dopey hands hitting the side of my head meant nothing...
There was no feeling... only enjoyment...
All the years... All the "faggots"
All the torture... All avenged.
Im scared for my life now... and I like it... I want to see you chase after me... I want to see you be filled with pain
no one understands how much i wanna dig out your eyes with my nails... YOU MOTHER FUCKER
YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! YOUR WORTHLESS!!!
In a perfect world... your dead... in a coffin perhaps... and I'm pissing all over you. I HATE YOU.
Those bullies in movies? They're real. Fuck you.
FUCK YOU.
All the anguish.
All the hate.

Terrible Tuesday

Today was terrible at school
I told Meg I was gonna cut my skin and put salt in it... HAHAHA... it's funny cause im not going to... forget it
Then i got home... and things started looking up
I got a message from you
thats exactly what i meant when i said dont talk to me.
Had I not been thinking straight at the moment it would have given me hope... the opposite of happiness... whatever.
Charlie, I can't wait to be your friend.

Monstrous Monday

It's like being back in elementary school
With fucking Kayliegh Geoghen
Except it's with Charlie Sevy
Except instead of the fact that I could tell she didn't like me I just had no proof... I have proof
SO MUCH PROOF
I got enough proof to go around
anybody want proof?
proof.
Say proof eight times and it begins to loose its meaning... like other things
fuck me.
Proof me.
It'll be funny to look at this once this hell week is over.

So it just ended? fuck that.
oh well... whats a hurt nigga supposed to do?
Questions I am asking:
Why? WHat did I do? and, Who am I?
Questions I wish to be asking:
Who the HELL is SHE???

I'm so worried it's dwindling...
but like I'm also suprisingly DGAF about it...
Oh what will I do?
Eh fuck this I don't why i do it anymore... It gives away too much
freshmen... do somptin crazy?
do somptin romantic

Uncontrollably

We're Jammin
I wanna Jam it with you
We're Jammin
And I *hope* you like jammin too
We're Jammin
To think that Jammin was a thing of the past
We're Jammin
And I hope this Jam is gonna last

*know*

You bitch... you did THAT on purpose.
Fuck I can't handle this...
I wish people would stop telling me what i can and can't do
I'm gonna listen to my idol... and do what sounds best
you know... feeeeeel it out

2

Fuck the weak. Tonight I'm taking medicine.

nope. you didn't catch it. This would mean nothing were it not attached to everything else.
Cold, damp, mother fucking feet... but i have to.

think real hard... you don't know do you?
You soon will...

I A in an R

Thanks Mr. Japanese... sorry to capitalize on such a terrible thing.
You may have jump started something here however... so thank you

That went well... I guess we'll have to see
Only time will tell HaHaHa

I W I was in an R.

Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
BUster Baer is bullshit.
BUster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
BUster Baer is bullshit
BUster Baer is bullshit.
Buster baer is bullshit
Buster Baer is bullshit.
BUster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
BUster Baer is bullshit.
BUster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.
Buster Baer is bullshit.

JESUS I HOPE WE MAKE IT

SO this should be interesting... first of all... it'll be like what? the third time?
the third time. Thats embarrassing.
I don't think its understood. This is IT.
Maybe it is understood. But its just unknown of how to fix it?
If that's true tell me. Cause i can help. Otherwise, its just stupid.
FUCK. I LIKE IT TOO MUCH FOR THIS.
This is bullshit because I know it has potential.
Half of me says we wont make it.
Half of me says we will.
Goddamn i hope its the latter.

Rockbottom

I'll just stand here and wait... and end up with no benefit
FUCK THIS
somethings gotta change
there is zero effort
Donald you may be right... maybe its even clearer than i can possibly see because i don't want it to be true so hard
WHATEVER
this is not how its supposed to be
and p.s. I do that because i can't even tell whether that should mean something more or not
two strikes... so close to three outs

SQUEEZE

M.m.m.m.m..p.li.li.li.
squeeze
ri..t.t.t.t.t..t.t.t.t.t..m.m..ri.ri.ri.ri..m.m.m.m..li.li.li.li.
squeeze
li.li.li.
squeeze
p..m.m.m.m..t.t..t..m.m..t..m.m.m.m..t.t.t..t.t.t.t.t..t.t.t.t.

Oi this is hard
Your really bad... and i hated you for a couple moments... but I realized why and i completely get it
I just can't wait for it to be over that's all

AND FUCK YOU
DON'T TRY TO TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN
and fucking graduate

Why is it that I idolized all of you so much and now i can't stand any of you
Your all terrible to eachother
It's REALLY bad
and none of you have any balls
Except my big b- he's got kahunas
I'm enjoying my own age right now( p.s. You should learn how, buddy- wait, your not my buddy)
I LIKE you guys
For the next four years I'll have you
For the next three years I'll have you
And for the Next two years I'll have you
... I only have you lil monsters for like 4 months

Hey Meg.
Hahaha

OH RIGHT

this is what it's like to not be able to sleep
fuck.

this one is called ok

ok

p.s. New Big Brother

I feel young and stupid... and i love it

Fuck Yes

that's it... just fuck yes

GOD FUCK

---------------------------------------------------------------
DO NOT CROSS DO NOT CROSS DO NOT CROSS DO NOT CROSS DO NOT CROSS
---------------------------------------------------------------

ME.

I love it.

Home could be anywhere when I am holding you! - Adieu


I'm glad your my friend.
And you.
And you.
And not for the same reason, but you, cause your just silly.

It's raining. YES. Rain= GOOD WEEK

p.s. El Gringo's
Human Frogger

* * * * * * * * * * * * *===========================
* * * * * * * * * * * * *============================
* * * * * * * * * * * * *============================
* * * * * * * * * * * * *============================
* * * * * * * * * * * * *============================
* * * * * * * * * * * * *============================
==========================================
==========================================
==========================================
==========================================
==========================================
==========================================

how fuckin sweet is this thing?

-....._..........................................................................
-....| |..........................................................................
-....| |..........................................................................
-....| |..........................................................................
-....| |................................................ _.......................
-....| |................................................| |.......................
-....| |................................................| |.......................
-....| |................................................| |.......................
-....| |................................................| |.......................
-....| |................................................| |.......................
-....| |................................................| |.......................
-....| |................................................| |.......................
---ME---------------------------------YOU---------------


DUDE HOW COOL IS THAT!?!?!?!
I MADE IT MYSELF!!!

TEN DARTS IS TOO MUCH

p.s. Just call me T-Pain

1267057

Buster Baer owned a cop car tonight
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE LATELY???

I fucked up hahaha
what an idiot i am...
soooorry
but honestly we gotta outa that with less than no scratches, it ended up better than before
thats why these are the best times of my life...

YOU'RE WAY TO BEAUTIFUL GIRL
THATS WHY ITLL NEVER WORK
YOU HAD ME SUICIDAL SUICIDAL
WHEN YOU SAY ITS OVER

I wish you were The Death of Lorca

You were so attractive today it made me sick...

HOLY FUCK

This has been the Gnarliest two weeks ever

This is gonna work out

I can tell and I fucking love it more than you know

For some reason putting stuff up on here is so less satisfying though

I think im done

i htink this sis the last chapter of flipping biscuits

cause everyone knows already so theres no reason anymore to write

Please stop being bummed...

You had your chance at that

its too late... so just be thuper thweet again

New Shoes!

New Shoes!

I know you want me to put up some stuff thats real obvious...

but i figured I'd make you wait a bit longer

Sorry... hehehe

I enjoy more than you

I am happy more than you

I can feel more than you

I am sad more than you

I stumble more than you

I learn more than you

... and its all because

I forgot how to sleep

P.S. Now your a shoe that I want, can i get this shoe?

WOW

We made eye contact

Some good eye contact

You have beautiful eyes

Thanks

Thanks Scott

For apologizing and fixing all this stuff

I Can't Get No Flippin BIscuits

Damn the talks today were good

But it doesn't change anything

It needs to be stopped

Unless you stop fighting it

But you won't and thats fine

I just have to find someone who will help me out of your rut

Speaking of someone to help me out of said rut

Thanks, YOU, you don't know this is you

You never will

but each time I put a foot in the pool

I step out and find you

Its weird

But i don't know how to say this except that this is YOU

YES YOU

YOU READING THIS

IT'S YOU!!!

whatever there's no way to say it hahahaha

I'll try another time but for now

its time for (the other) you and I to enjoy these last hours with eachother

Right?

RIGHT?

It's always been up to you

So if you were that strongly feelin it

I think you would sacrifice it

That's how i know i like us better than you like us

Because I would sacrifice it

That's how I know

and i get it...

don't think this is me saying that your a bitch or anything (even though you are hehehe)

but just don't say that

cause its not true and it's a lie

p.s. You know who you are?

Your fucking C.S. Lewis

Welcome to Narnia

Sorry but... wait no I'm not

Sometimes there are things better then those you prefer

There are

Sometimes you go for the lesser ones because your stuck

I'm stuck

Sometimes even seeing something better, and grasping it, can't even help you out

I can't get out

Its time I admit to my self at least, that there are things better then it. And I want those things more, because if I didn't...

It would be love

and its not love

its not even infatuation

...

It's over is what it is

You know it is when you can feel something again

Last night was silly... and a perfect bookend

You've had me for too long, and all you do is mess with me

This isn't mutual and we both know it

I won't let my year be YOU when i look back at it in the future

When I look back at this year... I'm gonna say ME

Release the MOFUCKIN KRACKEN

p.s. How did you get so beautiful?

Sick of This... Flippin Biscuit

I'm sick of having a fucking column about you every fucking time I write

Heres hoping this is the last one; unless shit picks up

WHICH IT WONT

Don't get me wrong

I feel the same way

But if those feelings weren't there

Your ship would be sunk

That walk was SO clearing

FUCK

I kinda wanted to be buds with you

We could have been friends

It could have been sweet

But you fucked it up

HE'S MY BEST FRIEND

Your an idiot

And stupid

Fuck you

I got your back bud

(stupid fist thing)

I'm glad you guys are buds again

Come home

You need to just have a speech for everyone

Still fucking lame

You won't know this is about you

But your a good bud

Thanks for being my favorite listener

Tonight I feel helpless

Tonight I feel scared

I punched a pole with two knuckles

And a different two are red

Shits backward

I want an arm chair

This ones called FUCK YOU ASSHOLE WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO OUR FRIENDS!!!

TODAY WAS SO GOOD!!!!

Were on SO the right track.

I wonder if you feel the same way?

Thanks, Party Animal.

Dude, stop being a baby

I try my best alright

And no I wouldn't be as mad

And now the section of this post I've saved for last...

WHAT THE FUCK

YOUR SUCH A DICK

HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THIS TO PEOPLE!!!!

Dude you used to be my big brother... now it's like having Hitler as my Big Brother

Your an asshole... like actually

I wanna be the you that you are when your in front of people

Did you actually even break your pinky three times?

I mean what's true and what's not?

You fuck with people hard man

I still love you

but i legitimately wanna see you tarred and feathered for this

SO DOES THIS MAKE YOU A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR???

And how could you not tell her?

She's your best fucking friend! Remember?

or is that a lie too?

I don't have to be the first one, but I want a talk from you

GODDAMIT MAN THIS FUCKS UP SO MUCH

Disregard the last post

You have the same hair. I'm bummed the story didn't turn out the way i wanted it to. Neither will ours.

You Flipped a BIscuit and you liked it

This time there's nothing you can do you'll never find this one out.

I got a plan... lesbian

I HAVE A PLAN AGAIN

stoked

I finally got what I was looking for and ew.

SOOOO BAD

I can finally say i've done it real hard

and I NEVER have to do it ever again!!!

Flippin Biscuits

I understand now

LIke the reason why it would be too hard

Its not what you've been saying it has been

You weren't lying; I just don't think you know how to articulate it

But its getting old

Especially now that i know how perishable it is

I'm gonna miss thinking your a bitch

P.S. Don't ask me about this... I won't tell

Flippy your not a Biscuit

Thanks for telling me. I already knew. But its good to hear it from you.

Thanks for telling me. I didn't know that. And its good to hear it from you.

Thanks for Being you. I am you now. I wanted to be. But now i hear that I just AM. It's sweet.

No thanks for telling me. I knew that. And it hurt to hear it from you. But it needed to be said, and i still love you.

I'm a piece of both sides of this. I can feel its going to tear. Like a piece of paper in a preschool with that stupid dotted line with the scissors. Bound to be ripped.

The question is... which side will I choose. Which side should i choose.

But there's something keeping it together, some type of glue. Or GEL. What happens when it leaves?

I'm fucked.

Fuck you. Asshole. No one hates you as much as I do right now. Fuck the fourth dimension.

Oops i flipped the Biscuit again

So I'm sorry

But what was i supposed to do?

It was torture for both of us, right?

And your right. We have nothing in common.

I have the same feelings i always have, just to let you know.

I'm pretty damn sure they'll never go away. Even when you go away forever.

It's become my one wish. Something impossible. I don't usually wish for things that just can't happen. But you warped me into it. It's good. Like 3rd grade. You know, yesterday.

And bro, I love you. I'm glad you'll never leave.

The Flip of My Biscuit

You kinda flipped biscuits on me. It was a wonderful reminder.

YOU. I work SO HARD.

I love this group.

I HATE the bench.

I'm seeing it eat my friend. I wanna be you, but not this you.

Peace yo

Flip up, Biscuit up

It's fucking hard, man. Your making it hard. Stop.

And then there's you. It's fucking easy, man. Your making it easy. Stop? No, don't. I like it.

Oh and about tonight, GET FUCKING OWNED!!!

We swore we wouldn't lose. And we didn't. Not in my mind at least.

HAHAHAHAHA so fun. So. Fucking. Fun.

I Loooooove Yooouuu

I like Big Biscuits, and I cannot Flip

I feel good. I like it. I want it to be the best. And i think it will be.

Its My Biscuit and I'll Flip if I Want To

The Play

The Girl

The Bet

The Bench

The Soda

The Caffeine

The Grades

The Notebook

The Expectations

The Failure of Such Expectations

The Lack of a Certain Skill

The Best Friend

The Addition of Jordan

... a lot of shit is going on right now

A Lot

lets hope I can get it all done

hopefully tomorrow will go well

I'll just have to do what i did when I got in the car...

P.S. That was fucking cool wasn't it? hahahaha

I'm so lost

I threw myself out there and got eaten up hard

but you were real cool about it

thanks for being the best

I just want to know

Am I the only one on the Earth?

Will it be forever?

Anguish is a good fucking word for right now

I fucked up the plan

Its just too late now...

Im a Biscuit, I couldn't Flip her even if I tried

Today:

Fucking English Final, I'm flipping biscuits

Fucking did ten push-ups then waited for two hours

Fucking lost Davey, and he thought we were ditching him

Fucking swindled money out of Sam, I might actually pay him back this time though

Fucking LBJ's

Fucking Davey pissing me the fuck off

Fucking French Fry wars... I lost... hard

Fucking Skype

Fucking talked to a good bud about a good future

Fucking Fuck Time...

Fucking thought about a girl the whole day

Fucking barely studied for my spanish final

FUCKING...

I lied today... did anyone catch me?

Flippin Biscuits to you! FLippin Biscuits to you! Flippin Biscuits to Buster! Flippin Biscuits to you!

Finding peace in knowing that I'll always be comedic relief. I have a feeling that I'll never be the main character in anyones life, and i kinda like it... right now at least. Today i realized, that sometimes, YOUR. JUST. NOT. THE. GUY.

A new project. Can anybody say hard work. These are shoes I'm gonna need to break in. But lets be honest... have I ever failed in breaking in a shoe?

2/24/10 the truth is i ended up not being able to break these in hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

was it really my fault or are you just a weirdo?

Since you flipped biscuits

My throat hurts. I screamed a lot today. I would call it singing but it isn't worthy of the name. Something was odd today something was weird. I can't really tell if I liked it or not. All I know is, when I'm out of your grasp everything is normal and i can like what i want to.... but when I'm not... you really got me going, you got me going so I don't know what I'm doing.

Flip on through, to the other Biscuit

Discoveries for Tonight:

1) No matter what choice i make... its all gonna be ok

2) Sometimes, the only thing that can make you smile... is a little immaturity... DIL-DO- DIL-DIL-DIL-DIL-DIL-DO

3) Nigga made a pizza

4) Stoked outa my mind

P.S. Someday, I'll fill you in on who i am... but for now all you know is that i FLIP BISCUITS

P.P.S. If you wanna get down on these hairy balls then why don't you jump right in? Its a crotch party right up in HERE why don't you lick on this big joooooooooooooooooooooooon - Dale Dobek

Like a biscuit, Flippin for the very first time

Soooooooooooooooooooo...

This is my blog. Everyones doing it, So I am! You don't understand how many times that excuse DOESN'T work. So I'm one hell of a confused boy right now. Ummmmmm yep. ITS A CROTCH PARTY RIGHT UP HERE!